Fragile Love

"There is a sense of madness loving things that just come and go, loving things that are fragile. Especially when you lose people you planned on loving long term. But you still need it, everyone needs love."
-Blood Brother (a documentary about Rocky Braat)

God created me with a very very sensitive heart. I am one of those people who can spend 2 days with a person and then spend 2 weeks crying when they leave. God has given me the ability to just open up my heart to outsiders and pour my heart and soul into them.

This is my greatest strength and my greatest weakness.

Because with this sensitive heart comes easily brokenness and with brokenness comes wounds and wounds are very distracting. When I am distracted I am not doing what God has asked of me.

Not long ago God gave me an amazing opportunity. I lived among a people who didn't receive the privilege that I have. Because of their darker skin, different language and culture the world saw them as less. To the world they were less intelligent, less beautiful and not worth their time. But I saw these people as not only my equals, not only beautiful but worth ALL of my time. And so I gave them that!

All good things must come to an end and the time came for me to go.
It broke my heart!
It broke my heart because I  loved these people and I had poured all my time, energy and love into them! I had served them and loved them with all of me. So when the day came that I had to kiss them goodbye and get on a boat to sail away the last thing I wanted to do was that! All I wanted to do was gather them up in my arms and NEVER EVER let them go!
But you know what? I was not alone that day!
As I cried my eyes out  I watched the people that I loved disappear in a cloud of dust! In just moments they were gone, with in a few days I was on the opposite side of the world.
 I felt lost!
 I didn't know what to do with myself!
The pain was almost unbearable!
All that I had love all that I knew, my whole life was just... gone!

But I wasn't alone.

God has a heart like mine. God puts a piece of me in each of us. When it says we were created in His image I think it means more than what meets the eye (literally!) I think God puts a part of His character in us. God is sovereign, just and powerful but God is also loving, compassionate and gentle! So in me when I see another soul who is hurting and I in turn hurt for them, that is part of the character of the Creator.

So as my soul grabbed onto the people that I loved and I screamed in my heart
"GOD NO! Don't take them! They are mine! I love them! You don't understand I love them!"
 In those days these were His words to me. As I clung to the desire to be with them. As I screamed "PLEASE GOD! Don't take them away! I hurt for them God. Help me because I hurt for them."

 He responded in the gentlest of ways "I have loved them longer than you. I have poured MY heart into them for longer than you. I knew them before they even existed in your world! I was working on each detail, forming each smile, each little curl in their hair. I formed their very beings! I created them! They are not yours, THEY ARE MINE! I gave them to you for a time. I gave them to you to love for a time. Now I am telling you to let go. I am asking you to place them in my hands and trust me. Because I have been working in their lives from the very start. You had them for a moment. I gave them to you. So now open your hands and let me take them."

Those words were hard to hear.
Let go. Walk away.

But its not just "let go" and "walk away"! It is hand them over to the Almighty who already has them!  But its about releasing them from your heart, stop holding on because you don't have to! He promised if I let go, if I accept that He is sovereign and that He loves them and cares for their needs and only desires what is best for them, I can have peace. I know that I did what I was supposed to do when I was supposed to do it!

It is okay because even if my heart breaks and I cry out "PLEASE DONT LET IT BREAK!" I have peace. Because God not only holds the people whom I love in His hands but He also holds my heart! He knows my heart is fragile. He made it that way.
He knows it is going to get broken. But He promised He will not let my heart shatter, not to the point in which He can not mend it. He made my heart and He made it just strong enough and He is the one shielding it from the things that threaten to tear it apart.

So even if it does break a little, if I am surrendered to Him He will put it back together with His love and His patience and His mercy. He will heal my wounds. Because He does love me and He does love those people. And that is all I need to know!

The Shadow

The sun shines on my face. Bright and warm. Soft, kind and gentle.

From the corner of my eye I see something. Its dark, cold, eerie.

"What is that?" people ask. They look on with bright eyes of curiosity. One girl says to the rest "I will go in and see what it is!"

She goes in, just as she steps into it she vanishes.

"This is great! Come in! Join me!" she shouts through the darkness to those standing in the light.

 All around me people turn to it and walk into it.

Up from the shadow a cry of pain comes!

I see the face of an old man appear from the shadow "I want to come into the light!" He struggles against the darkness. The shadow holds his shoulders tightly with its cold hands and pulls the struggling man back in.

I see a boy walk around it, watch it, but he doesn't go in. Then he slowly extends his hand toward it touching it. Then he puts one foot in. Then his whole leg, then his side.

"What are you doing!?" I cry out to him.

"I am just testing," he replies "I won't go in!" This lasts for only a moment then the darkness spreads around him like a blanket. He disappears in the shadow!

"HELP!" I hear the cries coming from the shadow. I turn away from it.

"Come in..." a still gentle voice beckons me. The voice seems to be coming from the shadow itself. "Come in to me..." It whispers again. I find myself feeling curious. "Just touch me...go on stretch out your hand." It says softly. I listen to it reaching out I feel my fingers brush it ever so slightly. The a feeling surges through my finger tips up my arm into my chest. It is a good feeling but it leaves me wanting more. "Come in..." It says to me "Just step inside." I stepped in.

As I did my whole body is filled with pleasure, I love the feeling! As I look around me I see the old man, the young girl and the boy. Their eyes fixed straight ahead, they look empty. I cry out to them. But they do not respond.

 Suddenly the good feeling begins to fade and I feel myself being bound tightly and weights being placed on my shoulders. I struggle against it fighting my hardest but the shadow is stronger.

"NO!"  I scream. "Let go." the shadow will not release me.

"You are mine now." It says to me. I feel my skin burning, pain surges through me.

"This isn't what I wanted!" I say with a whimper.

Suddenly out of nowhere appears a hand, it glows warmly. The shadow recoils from it leaving a path that leads into the light.

"Come to me" A booming voice bursts through  the shadow "Take my hand and I will rescue you." the voice was bold but kind. I reached out to touched the hand and it began to break me loose. As the binding comes off it hurts.

"No wait!" I say through the pain "It hurts. Please!" I cry.

"I know it hurts." His voice is filled with compassion "I know it hurts but trust me it has to be this way"

"Please just save me." I say as I feel my strength leaving me. The hand continues pulling me free from the binding. As I am pulled from it I collapse into the hand and It gentle pulls me from the shadow and lays me in the light.

I lay in the presence of a bright Light for a long time. "Who are you?" I say when I finally have the strength to speak.

"I am the one who created you." says the Brightness. My eyes burn as I struggle to see. "Don't worry my child your eyes will adjust." He says to me.

"You rescued me...why??" I say as I look up into the warm gentleness of the light.

"Because I love you." He said warmly.

I still hear the whimpering from the others still inside the shadow. "Why did you not save the others?"

"I tried. But they didn't want to be rescued, all except for the old man. I reached in for him but he rejected my help. I am willing to rescue but I will not pull them out if they do not want me to." said the Light.

 I looked around.

"What do I do now?" I asked Him. The hand appeared again.

"Come with me!" He said. I reached out and grabbed His hand. "If you keep holding my hand you can go into the darkness and help me free others." I felt fear fill me. "Do not be afraid." said the Light "For I am with you."

I turned to face the shadow, this time when I stepped in the shadow did not surround me, instead it moved away. As I walked in I saw an old woman caught in the binding, screaming for help.

"Take my hand!" I said to her as I stretched out my hand still clinging to the Light with the other one. "I will show you how to be free!"

What I see

A letter from the Creator to YOU His creation...

You see the flaws, the scars and the splotches
But you don't see what I see
You see the weight, the bumps and the fluff
But you don't see what I see
You see the clumsy, the confused and the tongue tied
But you don't see what I see
You see the awkward, the loud laugh and the embarrassment
But you don't see what I see

I saw you in the womb
I made you with those flaws
I gave those scars and splotches
I set your size, I DID!
I made you clumsy, I made something's confusing to you
I made you in a way that sometimes you become tongue tied
I made you awkward
I designed that laugh and those things you find embarrassing
I made you unique, I made you with so much detail
You were designed, I took time to measure you out
I knew exactly what you needed to have and what you didn't need
But that is not what I see

I see your compassionate heart
I see your thoughts
I see your joyful spirit
I see your pain
I see your soul
I see the value that will not fade
Because I made you and I know you
I define your worth
And that worth is not found in any physical quality
I define what is beautiful
And that beauty is not found in your skin
You are formed exactly the way I wanted
You are mine and I love you
You don't see what I see
You only see the outside, but that is not who you are
I see you
And you are beautiful!

Being a Baby

There is nothing more beautiful than a sleeping baby. They look so at peace, calm, content. Oh the days of being a baby, so simple, so mild yet so full. Each day new sounds new sights new smells. The world must seem so strange to a baby. Yet they laugh often and they seem more than happy. Than as you grow things get more complicated. Expectations begin to pile on you and the once simple life grows more complex and confusing. Yet small children take extreme challenges with joy and learn these new skills quickly and excitedly. Sometimes I think all we really need is to be more like them. Seek the joys in life and welcome the challenges. But that's not all, no its not just all about the optimism and world view. That alone will do little good for you. How do babies survive? If you took a child away from adults and left it to fend on its own it couldn't make it. Babies need adults to provide for them food, protection, (for a few months before they learn to crawl) transportation. Babies are helpless defenseless little people. We need the Lord. We need Him for everything, we can not make it without Him. Apart from God we are just as helpless as a little baby. Far too often we try to be independent and live our lives without Him. But this is all in vain for we are small, weak and can not provide even the smallest things for ourselves.

Like a baby we need to cry out to the one who can protect us, supply for us, love us and teach us. So like the little child who runs excitedly to arms of its parents run to the arms of your Lord. He will rejoice with you in your victories, mourn with you in your loses, walk with you when you are strong, and carry you when you are weak. On our own what are we? 

"I am the vine and you are the branches he who abides in me will bear much fruit but apart from me you can do nothing."

(Thoughts inspired by Evie. May you never lose that child like curiosity, joy and love. May you learn to live ever dependent on the Lord, meditate on His word and serve Him all your days! I love you beautiful girl.)