The Thoughts of a Dejected King

(The following in not directly from the Bible but is a fictional artistic piece based on the life of King David during 2 Samuel 12 and is also inspired by the 51st Psalm. Enjoy!)

 

I lay with my face against the cold stone floor. An over whelming feeling of desperation and guilt seemed to be eating away at my soul. The sounds of weeping flowed from the room down the hall. My heart pains to hear my dear Bathsheba wailing; she was suffering so much. This was all my fault. Why am I so foolish to let in to my own desire? Was it worth the pain that I caused? I betrayed my wives, my children but most importantly I betrayed my God. How could I turn on them like that? I knew in my heart that what I was doing wrong yet I still did it.

I lay here shivering in the cold, my body is weak and I lack the strength to even leave this place on the floor. I used to be a strong king, bold and courageous. I led armies to battle, slain giants and escaped the fiercest of enemies. But now one little baby had crushed that king. I had sinned. I took that which was not mine and I murdered an innocent man. I am no better than the king who went before me. All I thought of was my own desires, my sinful, selfish desires. And now my son lay in his bed growing weaker, my beloved Bathsheba cries day and night for our baby. So how could I eat, how could I move. I was nothing. The words of Nathan rang still in my ears.

"You are the man."

I deserved to die, to suffer a long painful death for all the sins that I committed. God was gracious to me, but still I suffered, to watch your child slowly slip away, there is no greater pain. How could Bathsheba ever love me after this? She had done nothing, she was only obeying the orders of her king. I had abused my power. How foolish of me! It was not by my own superiority that I had received this position, only by God that I was now King over all Israel. But yet like a fool I chose to use my God given power to bring about what I knew was wrong in His eyes. Was it worth it? Those moments of pleasure, were they worth all this? I destroyed a marriage, murdered a man, betrayed my family, angered my God and brought about the death of an innocent baby.

 Was it worth it?

 No.

I thought of the child. What joy had filled my heart at his birth! A son! A baby! I remember the look of joy on Bathsheba's face! Our little prince. He was beautiful, he had eyes as bright as his mothers and light hair like mine. I remember how people fawned over him. But always  a cloud loomed over the baby, I knew that he would die. God had said that because of my sin, my abuse, my child this precious baby would die! I remembered how worried Bathsheba looked when she told me he had stopped eating and that his body grew hot. As his condition worsened I knew what was happening, the time had come. So I came in here and lay down. So I am still here thinking and speaking to God. For seven days I lay in the cold darkness.

Lord I know I was wrong. I know I have done what is evil in your eyes. I cannot ask you to simply forgive me. But I am begging you, as a father I cannot bear this! Please Lord, see my heart, hear my prayer. Let the child live, not for my sake but for Bathsheba! Lord if you have any more compassion in your heart for this king, give life back to my child. I lie here waiting and my heart is heavy and my body grows weak. I will not move or eat till I hear news of the child.

My servants watch over me, begging me" Master please eat something." They pulled on me to sit me up but my body falls back to the ground. "Please my lord you must eat!"
"I can't" my voice is weak. Every day they simply stand there waiting to see their king arise. They do not speak but I know what they are thinking. They think I am a coward for mourning so greatly for just one child, they find me a fool because of what I chose to do. I cannot ask them to stay loyal to me because I am not the King my people need nor the man they deserve.

A servant enters the room and whispers to the others. They speak so quietly and I know that there is something wrong. I make out only one word "dead".

My heart stops, for a moment I cannot breath. I hear a shriek from across the hall. Bathsheba knows. Our baby is dead!

Lord. I pray. Lord why have you not spared the child? The voice of Nathan comes back to me again " because you did this thing and had no compassion!" In my insanity I have forgotten. How could I ask the Lord to have compassion on me when I had not compassion on others? Where was my compassion when I asked a married woman to lie with me? Where was my compassion when I tried to deceived her husband? Where was my compassion when I murdered him in cold blood? How could I ask the Lord "Where is your compassion" when I had none? Lord forgive me for I am a fool!

Is sins pleasure worth its consequences? I have destroyed my life all for a moment of pleasure!

Anger grows in  my heart, bitterness and hatred for the one that caused all this pain. Why didn't he stop before so many were hurt? I wanted only to destroy this man, the man I hated with all my being. The thoughts grew into a monster inside me, there was no turning back now! Who was this man that I seethed with anger towards, who left my life in desolation and despair?

 I am the man!